Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
