My underwear smells like fireworks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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