I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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