Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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