I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
