i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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