so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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