I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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