i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Mom said you looked used
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
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Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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