Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Randomize
