Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
