"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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