My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
