Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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