So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
