I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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