Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
