Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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