i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
