just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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