he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize