Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
