did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.