I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux