The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
