when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
