Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
