You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
