God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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