Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I intend to get homeless drunk
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
