So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
