Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
