Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
