Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
