the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
