Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
