shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
