I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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