Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
