yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
