It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
there is glitter all over my balls
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