if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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