just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
