somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
