i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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