my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
