He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
