What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
