Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
