Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
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I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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