My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
