Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
