Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
