Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I don't think brook has ever known best
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
