so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
